Considerations Before Inviting Someone Into Your Birth Space
How do you know who to invite to your birth? Whose feelings do you have to consider if you don’t want them there? What if they are not the right person to have at your birth?
By far one of the MOST frequently asked questions in my childbirth education classes, Hypnobirthing classes and as a birth doula is: Who shall I have at my birth? I want my mother, but not my mother in law (or the other way around).
How can I say no without hurting their feelings? My partner's feelings? How do we navigate this?
Firstly, let's be brutally honest here…. The birth of a baby is a miracle. Who wouldn't want to witness the birth of a baby? Giving birth however, is not a spectator sport. The way our bodies work best when we are in labour and birthing our baby is WHEN we feel SAFE AND UNOBSERVED. You are able to FOCUS on what is going on inside of you, rather than entertaining or worrying about those around you - no matter who they are.
SOME IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS FOR YOU TO THINK OVER……
How vulnerable have you been with this particular person lately and in the past? Are you the sort of person that keeps their mouth closed when they have upset you? Can you fully and 100% tell them to piss off? Well, unless there is a deep level of trust in ANY relationship, it is likely that you will find it difficult to be vulnerable during your labour and your birth. As a doula, I can tell you now, you WILL feel vulnerable at times, so ask yourself: how do you feel being physically exposed (naked), in awkward positions, making internal grunting, primal birth noises in front of them? Because if you cannot envisage yourself fully in the zone and growling and groaning with ease, then they won’t be the best person to have in your birth space. NO Inhibitions here please!!
Following on from first point: Ask yourself does this person make you FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF? WELL, ummmm, If you don't absolutely love this individual and enjoy their company when you're not in labour, then please explain how are you going to feel when you ARE?! Gulp! Re-read first point again if you need even more clarification.
Are they/have they been supportive of your choices thus far in life, overall? It is really unfortunate (and yes, has happened more than once) where I have attended a birth where a family member of the birthing mum is in her face pressuring her to make decisions (based out of their own opinion or the worst….. their own birth experiences and their fears). PLEASE…… If you going to invite anyone to your birth (family member or friend), please make your personal birth preferences known (give them a copy of your birth plan!). If they do not support you wholeheartedly, then it is probably a BIG NO from me! If they can’t support your preferences, what can they offer you?
I am an individual that has no regrets - Please understand this is one event in your life that you do not want to have any regrets. Are you inviting someone just ‘so you don’t upset them? Or so you don’t upset your partner? Will you regret this ? If you are really unsure (and you are allowed to be), perhaps you can ask them to wait in the family room. IF you decide that you would actually really like their presence, then you can invite them in. If you want them to leave, ask for privacy. None of these decisions are required to be final. If you OR your partner feel that there is potential for regret when inviting someone, it is highly likely you will feel the same after.
In my role as a doula I have seen frantic, panicky mothers marching off to get someone to help their daughter when they were coping amazingly through strong contractions, but yet mother was distraught at the suffering she was seeing her daughter go through. I have seen mother in laws intervene by insisting they do/do not have pain relief, to undermining them, killing their confidence to even making shocking remarks about their anatomy (cringe).
Your birth space and your birth journey is sacred - please where you can, eliminate any potential regrets when it comes to your support team.
Remember the quote “you may forget what they have said, but you will always remember how they made you feel”.
Home Birth - Would you, Could you? & A Beautiful Home Birth Story
Choosing where to birth your baby is one of the biggest decisions you will make during your pregnancy.
In NZ, we have the choice to give birth at a primary birth unit, at our local hospital or in our own home. We are very privileged to have midwives who are able to practice in any of these settings. There is no charge to you as the midwife claims directly from the government on the women’s behalf.
A midwife’s philosophy is that “for well women, birth is a normal, healthy, active process that in the majority of cases does not require medical or technological intervention. Furthermore, we believe that birthing women and their partners have the right to retain ultimate control over their birth and the decisions which affect them and their bodies”(Waikato Home Birth Association, 2003)
There are still so many conflicting opinions surrounding home birth, with the majority around the safety of both mother and baby. The second being not having access to pain relief e.g. an epidural.
So, why do women and their partners (if applicable) choose home birth?
A desire to stay in their own, familiar environment. The comfort of their own home. The desire to stay at home if there are other siblings present
A fear of hospitals - either around past experiences/memories, or a belief that hospitals are for individuals who are sick and/or require medical treatment
Concerns around unnecessary medical intervention, about being on the ‘clock’ to birth on arrival to hospital
Hospitals are busy places, therefore the potential to have lots of unfamiliar faces during their birth is probable and this is not something they want to have occur
A desire to birth without the use of medications - however, they may choose to accept them more readily if they are available to them in this setting (remove the temptation)
A birthing pool is available to set up wherever they choose (lounge by the fire/outdoors on deck surrounded by nature)
They have done their research and have made an informed decision
Advantages of a home birth?
For a normal labour to progress, the environment in which she labours is important so that labour is able to progress without interruption (e.g driving to hospital)
The feeling of security in an environment which is familiar. Privacy - the ability to be able to move around when and as you please - both in and outdoors
Your LMC (midwife) will be there for you once you are in established labour until after the birth. In NZ, you will have a second midwife attend for the second stage of labour
Less intervention. With the right education and support, you will be encouraged to believe in the birthing process, to listen to your instincts and work with your body to give birth
Bonding - A greater opportunity for the family to be able to bond. No moving wards/rooms and being able to be tucked up in bed, or on the couch with your new baby is a huge advantage.
The feelings of elation once you have birthed your baby as you have wished. Full participation in your birth experience with your support team by your side leaves immense feelings of satisfaction. The most used phrase I hear at a home birth is: “I can’t believe I did it!”
Participation with siblings and as many family members as you wish
How do you find a home birth midwife? Click here for the ‘Find a Midwife’ website. Select your region, click on the list of midwives and see if they offer home birth as an option. You can also visit the website of Homebirth Aotearoa here
Preparing for a home birth click here
Recommendations for preparing for a home birth:
HypnoBirthing Classes - great for those who are fearful or anxious about birth. Lots of relaxation techniques taught as well as philosophy for aiming for a normal, physiological birth where possible read more about HypnoBirthing here book classes here
Books! Educate, educate, educate yourself! A good list of book recommendations here
A great midwife with whom you have a natural rapport with and trust 100%
Hire a birth doula! For continuous emotional and physical support measures
Listen to home birth podcasts, watch positive births
Reach out to Homebirth Aotearoa here
Practice affirmations - make them in the present tense e.g. “I am, I have”
Practice antenatal yoga (online or join a class)
Create a vision board with images and words of how your home birth will unfold
Recommendations for items to have at your home birth:
Essential oils (make sure they are good quality, pure and organic) & a good quality diffuser (see my Aromatherapy page for recommendations)
Homeopathic remedies - seek the guidance of a qualified, registered homeopath. These can be helpful in stop/start labours & for mental/emotional support
Bach Flower essences - Great for mental/emotional support. If you could only have one flower essence, then don’t be without Rescue Remedy!
Affirmation cards/posters
Playlists - make a few: upbeat music to relaxing/soothing music
A certified birth doula! Doula’s are trained to support you (and your partner if applicable) physically and emotionally. Most have extra qualifications & credentials e.g Spinning Babies, massage or in holistic health. A birth doula helps you to get through the intense moments, guiding you to find your inner strength. We are also practical so can help with snacks/drinks/cleaning up/assisting when required. Read more here
As a birth doula, I love the atmosphere of a home birth. To observe an undisturbed labouring mother, comfortable in her own environment who draws on her powerful instincts and reserves to birth her baby is incredible to witness. She finds something within her that she didn’t know existed, or doubted the existence. The moment she holds her baby for the first time makes everyone cry in the room!
It is the biggest privilege as a birth doula, to be welcomed into the birthing space of a person (or couple) who have not only wholeheartedly invited you, but placed their trust in you. It is one of the most incredible relationships you can form, and many become good friends or stay in touch with me over the years, which is heart warming.
As a birth doula for Natalie & Dan, this is her recount of their home birth (May 2021):
Our natural, home water birth experience
A home birth was not exactly something I had ever considered, especially not for my first baby, but after meeting my midwife, Gail, who specialises in home births I started doing my own research and quickly realised how safe and how special they are. My partner and I were very excited at the idea.
We signed up for a Hypnobirthing course, I read book after book, watched and listened to lots of positive home birth videos and podcasts, in which only had me feeling more and more sure a home birth was exactly what we wanted.
We also decided we really wanted a Doula for extra support, especially because this was our first birth. This is where we found Angela 💕
Giving birth is hard and this was not an easy day (not in the slightest) but I prepared myself as best as I could, knowing I would be challenged in a way I never new possible.
I truly believe that all the preparation leading up to our birth, the safe environment in our home and our incredible birth team (in which we very carefully selected) played a huge part in why we had the birth we had hoped. This was the most positive, beautiful experience that we will cherish forever.
Special Midwife Mention - Gail Kiss
Thank you to the beautiful couple below who allowed me to photograph their birth and use their photos for this blog. I am forever grateful x
