I Paused. This is what I learnt.

New ideas, exciting plans, goals & visions. A full workbook full of ideas and a head full of noise. I am born in early April under the star sign Aries, a fire sign, which means we act before we think. We are hard workers, but usually to our own detriment. Born planners with to-do lists that are never actually completed. So, lets rewind back to 2020, first lockdown due to COVID. I had workshops and classes booked and clients to see. I am a real people person and much prefer to engage face to face than online. I had a choice. Go online or potentially disappoint my clients and let them know I will see them when it was safe to do so. I chose the latter and then this happened…

I Paused. Unintentionally I just lost my flow of ideas, my creativity disappeared and along with this went my goals and plans. I will just wait it out and it will pass I told myself. A week went by, then another. I walked everyday and I baked and I planned to plan, but it didn’t happen. The house was spick n span but my planning book and journal remained blank. So did my mind. I never slow down and am always months ahead with planning, so this was really unnerving for me. Usually strict with exercise and healthy eating, this soon was shelved. I became slack all around. Even my friends were puzzled.

I just couldn’t get back on the 100% steam ahead, non-stop 5am to 11pm train of doing, completing and planning. I was stuck on pause and this is what I learnt:

• I missed my 5am wake up time and running 45-60 minutes at least 6 days a week. I learnt that without exercise I feel foggy and unmotivated. My family said I was moody!

• I learnt that walking fast for an hour is just plain and simply annoying because after running you can’t really fast walk anymore - you almost have to talk yourself out of trying to run!

• No matter how much you complete on your to-do list, it continues to grow and grow and grow

• There are billions of humans in this world and it is impossible to please everyone, so I learnt to say no. By golly this was hard, but am now an expert at saying NO and not automatically following up with all the reasons why..

• I looked at what I had achieved and not what I still had to achieve

• I learnt that I could have a break and lose motivation and that was okay. It was searching and finding the reasons for losing the motivation that was the eye-opener!

• I learnt I didn’t enjoy certain aspects of my work, or so I believed and chose to not focus on them. Interestingly enough, when my focus was removed the passion returned!

• Life’s demands never go away and what I choose to do with my time is crucial

• I really hate instant coffee and will never ever enjoy it no matter how hard I try

• I can watch Shawshank Redemption on TV every Xmas and never get sick of it

• I can binge watch McLeods Daughters right from the very first episode in 2001 and just tell everyone that I am watching the latest series on Netflix……

• My cat has several sleeping places and moves in a new spot at least 10 times per day

• I am a serious animal lover and can’t bring myself to trap the mouse that the cat brought in, but learnt it is not the best idea to feel sorry for the mouse trapped behind the fridge and feed it grated cheese in case he is hungry..

• I should never have started to feed our neighbourhood pigeons. We started with 3 and now we have 22 waiting on our fence every morning.

• That getting your daughter her own pony at the age of 4 is a great idea when looking ahead to the teenage years in terms of keeping them out of trouble, but I learnt it is a bad idea for finances because they cost a blimen fortune (teeth, shoeing, food, supplements, grazing, vet bills……)

• I love the beach, but I learnt as an adult its still ok to admit you are scared of sharks and only go in knee deep because everyone else wonders if there is a shark hiding in that big wave breaking…

• Meditation! Just 10 minutes a day

• Remember to breathe mindfully and lower your shoulders

• Buy a really decent pillow if you are a stomach sleeper (= no more crook necks)

• Those who need you will find you, always

Its 2021, I have had an entire month of eating, drinking wine and occasional walks (no running), one birth which I attended NY’s eve and a handful of clients and I couldn’t be happier. I have been to Morrinsville, Mangawhai Heads and from Gisborne to Te Puia Springs. I’m back in Auckland and back to planning and my to-do list and my to-achieve list has a scribble or two added so far. I look up at my vision board which I create every year, and right in the middle are the words “Remember to Pause”. And you know what? I will do just that.

Do you suffer from being 'too harsh on yourself' syndrome?

Striving to be your best? While not necessarily a bad thing, putting immense pressure on yourself to meet your own high expectations can take its toll on both your physical and mental/emotional health.

So how do you distinguish between aiming high and an possessing an unrealistic outlook in one’s life?

For some of us, it begins early in childhood from picking up expectations from our parents, siblings or peers and further develops throughout adolescence and into adulthood. At school, having a competitive nature in sports or academically, or in both. For others, a sense of not being quite good enough which can develop at any time, usually from an event or situation, or simply underlying feelings of feeling like a failure with no good cause or reason.

Welcome to your inner-critic. We all own one! And, yes, it can be a good thing! When in balance, your ‘inner voice’ can keep you motivated and steer you towards making healthy life decisions. However, this inner voice when not kept in check loves to put you down, compare oneself to others, looks for confirmation to remind you that you are a failure, sets you up for disappointment and generally just makes you miserable. It looks for opportunities to confirm that you aren’t enough. Ever.

How do you take the focus away from your shortcomings and mistakes? How do you turn it around so that your impossible standards can lay to rest giving way for your kinder personal standards to emerge? Allowing this to unfold can further personal opportunities, great decisions, balanced emotions and living life being gentle to yourself. Learn to recognise the tone of your own self-talk.

Do any of these resonate with you?

• When taking on a new opportunity or challenge – are you thinking of giving up for fear of not being successful? Do you tell yourself you weren’t smart enough anyway…?

• Do you muse on your perceived failures, errors and discussions long after they are over, playing things over in your mind and looking for alternative endings?

• Is your ‘self-talk’ harsh and critical – yet you wouldn’t treat your friends or family so critically?

• Do you blame yourself when situations don’t turn out as you had planned?

• Do you leave ideas or plans until the last minute for fear of ‘it not working out’ or overthinking all the details, in case you might not be able to complete it to a high enough standard?

• Do you compare yourself to others; what they look like, their lifestyle, what they own/have?

• Feel jealous or envious of others successes and put them down behind their back?

Pay attention to your behaviour!

Because we often think and behave automatically, we don’t realise that we allow our harsh inner critic and negative self-talk go unchallenged. Stop and recognise your thoughts. It is the first step to challenge this negativity in order to allow healthier thought patterns to emerge.

How to begin the process of being kinder to yourself:

• ‘Catch’ yourself being critical to yourself – then say stop and replace with a positive thought, sentence, vision or outcome

• Show yourself courtesy. Just as you would do for your friends, family or colleagues - do the same for yourself. Surely when they make a mistake you wouldn’t be berating them with how much of a loser they are, telling them that they are simply just a failure!

• Understand that there is a difference between failing and being a failure – no mistake can ever define your authentic self

• Your behaviour does not automatically reflect your character - “Be careful how you talk to yourself, because you are listening” – Lisa M. Hayes

• Learn to meditate which is extremely beneficial for pessimistic thought patterns

• Journal – scribble down all your thoughts, then ask yourself where they came from?

• Yoga – breath work balances our physical and emotional body extensively

• Talk therapy, especially cognitive behavioural therapy

In closing, your mind can be your greatest strength while you walk your journey in life. It can also become your worst enemy.

Allow yourself to become aware of your thoughts, to notice them and ask yourself how true they actually are. Catch the negative thoughts, release them and give them no recognition whatsoever – for after-all, they are just thoughts – so please, just let them go.