By far one of the MOST frequently asked questions in my childbirth education classes, Hypnobirthing classes and as a birth doula is: Who shall I have at my birth? I want my mother, but not my mother in law (or the other way around).

How can I say no without hurting their feelings? My partner's feelings? How do we navigate this?

Firstly, let's be brutally honest here…. The birth of a baby is a miracle. Who wouldn't want to witness the birth of a baby? Giving birth however, is not a spectator sport. The way our bodies work best when we are in labour and birthing our baby is WHEN we feel SAFE AND UNOBSERVED. You are able to FOCUS on what is going on inside of you, rather than entertaining or worrying about those around you - no matter who they are.

SOME IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS FOR YOU TO THINK OVER……

How vulnerable have you been with this particular person lately and in the past? Are you the sort of person that keeps their mouth closed when they have upset you? Can you fully and 100% tell them to piss off? Well, unless there is a deep level of trust in ANY relationship, it is likely that you will find it difficult to be vulnerable during your labour and your birth. As a doula, I can tell you now, you WILL feel vulnerable at times, so ask yourself: how do you feel being physically exposed (naked), in awkward positions, making internal grunting, primal birth noises in front of them? Because if you cannot envisage yourself fully in the zone and growling and groaning with ease, then they won’t be the best person to have in your birth space. NO Inhibitions here please!!

Following on from first point: Ask yourself does this person make you FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF? WELL, ummmm, If you don't absolutely love this individual and enjoy their company when you're not in labour, then please explain how are you going to feel when you ARE?! Gulp! Re-read first point again if you need even more clarification.

Are they/have they been supportive of your choices thus far in life, overall? It is really unfortunate (and yes, has happened more than once) where I have attended a birth where a family member of the birthing mum is in her face pressuring her to make decisions (based out of their own opinion or the worst….. their own birth experiences and their fears). PLEASE…… If you going to invite anyone to your birth (family member or friend), please make your personal birth preferences known (give them a copy of your birth plan!). If they do not support you wholeheartedly, then it is probably a BIG NO from me! If they can’t support your preferences, what can they offer you?

I am an individual that has no regrets - Please understand this is one event in your life that you do not want to have any regrets. Are you inviting someone just ‘so you don’t upset them? Or so you don’t upset your partner? Will you regret this ? If you are really unsure (and you are allowed to be), perhaps you can ask them to wait in the family room. IF you decide that you would actually really like their presence, then you can invite them in. If you want them to leave, ask for privacy. None of these decisions are required to be final. If you OR your partner feel that there is potential for regret when inviting someone, it is highly likely you will feel the same after.

In my role as a doula I have seen frantic, panicky mothers marching off to get someone to help their daughter when they were coping amazingly through strong contractions, but yet mother was distraught at the suffering she was seeing her daughter go through. I have seen mother in laws intervene by insisting they do/do not have pain relief, to undermining them, killing their confidence to even making shocking remarks about their anatomy (cringe).

Your birth space and your birth journey is sacred - please where you can, eliminate any potential regrets when it comes to your support team.

Remember the quote “you may forget what they have said, but you will always remember how they made you feel”.